How to Cook a Bagel

I am a new bachelor.  As such, and being a retired analyst, I can figure things out that no one else can.  When I do, I will share my new found knowledge with you all.

Today it is How to Cook a Bagel, for men.

I used to buy "pre-sliced" bagels.  C'mon.  Who are they kidding?  They are, more accurately, almost pre-sliced.  You still need to saw them apart with a butter knife.  Or get angry and rip them apart.  That does no one any good, trust me.

So I was pondering this the other day.  If only someone had invented a bagel slicer for home.  I could do it, but I am retired and I don't have that much ambition anymore.  But it would be a simple device.  A part that you stick the bagel in, and another guillotine part that cuts that sucker right in two.

I was ruminating on this while staring at my laptop.  On a whim, I went to my go-to place of all things.  Amazon.  Sure enough, some other guy with the same idea but more ambition made one.  Well, actually, it seems that dozens of bachelors had the same idea, because Amazon was knee deep in bagel slicers.  I chose one named "Winco BGS-1 Commercial Manual Bagel Slicer".  Why?

Well, first of all, it is manual and I need the exercise.  It is not gas powered because that would not fit well in my senior apartment complex.

It is commercial grade.  That means it is better than domestic grade.

It slices bagels.

So it arrived.  I freeze my bagels, and when I cooked them in the past I would stick them in the microwave for a minute to defrost them before ripping them in half.  So I did that.  I took one out of the freezer, microwaved it, and stuck it in my state-of-the-art commercial quality bagel slicer.  I had to wait a minute for the bagel to cool first.

But finally, I grabbed it, stuck it in the commercial grade bagel slicer, and promptly drove it into a mushy wad of bagel dough.

It seems that microwaving a bagel makes it bagel slicer resistant.  Time for a new tactic.

I took a couple of bagels and stuck them in a sandwich baggie and set them on top of that big white square thing in the kitchen that someone told me was an "oven".  Whatever.

This is a photo documentary of what happened, just for you men that have no clue.  It can be done.

Number one.  Assemble the parts.  Slicer, plate, bagel.  That's it.  Three parts.  If you forget something, make it the plate.  Because otherwise this will not work.

Step two.  Insert bagel into the slicer.  If you kept it, you might want to refer to the user's guide.

Step three.  Slice bagel.  This part is very satisfying.  You do this while pressing down on the top part while making a screaming sound.

Step four.  Remove bagel.  Step back.  Admire your work.  It is a thing of beauty.

Step five.  Approach toaster.  Open door.  Insert bagels thusly.  This is important.  Close the door.

Step six.  Inspect knobs.  Those round things.  After that pizza fiasco, we don't want this to happen again.

So make SURE it is set on "toast" and not "broil".  Note the knob on the bottom.  It is set to that black square thing.  In toaster language, that means "toast".  The knob above it is set to "toast".  I have no idea what "bake/toast" means.  And I don't want to find out.  I could look in the manual but I threw that out when I opened the box when it was delivered.  Real men don't read manuals.

An orange light will appear.   It doesn't blink, like a turn signal.  It's just an orange light.  This is of no concern.

Step seven.  The toaster will emit a ding sound.  This is the toaster's way of letting you know your bagel is done.  As done as it is going to get.  Open door, remove bagel.  Place upon plate.

Step eight.  Apply honey-walnut cream cheese with a butter knife.  I know, but it works with honey-walnut cream cheese.  I've searched all over Amazon for a honey-walnut cream cheese knife and no one has apparently invented one yet.

Eat.

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