How to Cook a Bagel

I am a new bachelor.  As such, and being a retired analyst, I can figure things out that no one else can.  When I do, I will share my new found knowledge with you all.

Today it is How to Cook a Bagel, for men.

I used to buy "pre-sliced" bagels.  C'mon.  Who are they kidding?  They are, more accurately, almost pre-sliced.  You still need to saw them apart with a butter knife.  Or get angry and rip them apart.  That does no one any good, trust me.

So I was pondering this the other day.  If only someone had invented a bagel slicer for home.  I could do it, but I am retired and I don't have that much ambition anymore.  But it would be a simple device.  A part that you stick the bagel in, and another guillotine part that cuts that sucker right in two.

I was ruminating on this while staring at my laptop.  On a whim, I went to my go-to place of all things.  Amazon.  Sure enough, some other guy with the same idea but more ambition made one.  Well, actually, it seems that dozens of bachelors had the same idea, because Amazon was knee deep in bagel slicers.  I chose one named "Winco BGS-1 Commercial Manual Bagel Slicer".  Why?

Well, first of all, it is manual and I need the exercise.  It is not gas powered because that would not fit well in my senior apartment complex.

It is commercial grade.  That means it is better than domestic grade.

It slices bagels.

So it arrived.  I freeze my bagels, and when I cooked them in the past I would stick them in the microwave for a minute to defrost them before ripping them in half.  So I did that.  I took one out of the freezer, microwaved it, and stuck it in my state-of-the-art commercial quality bagel slicer.  I had to wait a minute for the bagel to cool first.

But finally, I grabbed it, stuck it in the commercial grade bagel slicer, and promptly drove it into a mushy wad of bagel dough.

It seems that microwaving a bagel makes it bagel slicer resistant.  Time for a new tactic.

I took a couple of bagels and stuck them in a sandwich baggie and set them on top of that big white square thing in the kitchen that someone told me was an "oven".  Whatever.

This is a photo documentary of what happened, just for you men that have no clue.  It can be done.

Number one.  Assemble the parts.  Slicer, plate, bagel.  That's it.  Three parts.  If you forget something, make it the plate.  Because otherwise this will not work.

Step two.  Insert bagel into the slicer.  If you kept it, you might want to refer to the user's guide.

Step three.  Slice bagel.  This part is very satisfying.  You do this while pressing down on the top part while making a screaming sound.

Step four.  Remove bagel.  Step back.  Admire your work.  It is a thing of beauty.

Step five.  Approach toaster.  Open door.  Insert bagels thusly.  This is important.  Close the door.

Step six.  Inspect knobs.  Those round things.  After that pizza fiasco, we don't want this to happen again.

So make SURE it is set on "toast" and not "broil".  Note the knob on the bottom.  It is set to that black square thing.  In toaster language, that means "toast".  The knob above it is set to "toast".  I have no idea what "bake/toast" means.  And I don't want to find out.  I could look in the manual but I threw that out when I opened the box when it was delivered.  Real men don't read manuals.

An orange light will appear.   It doesn't blink, like a turn signal.  It's just an orange light.  This is of no concern.

Step seven.  The toaster will emit a ding sound.  This is the toaster's way of letting you know your bagel is done.  As done as it is going to get.  Open door, remove bagel.  Place upon plate.

Step eight.  Apply honey-walnut cream cheese with a butter knife.  I know, but it works with honey-walnut cream cheese.  I've searched all over Amazon for a honey-walnut cream cheese knife and no one has apparently invented one yet.

Eat.

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Am I Going to Go Kicking and Screaming? No.

I wrote this on March 23, 2013 on my cruising blog, Trawler Drift Away. It is one of the best things I've ever written, I think.  And I think it is worth sharing again.

It's 3 AM.  I can't sleep.  It's a genetic problem I have.  I inherited it from my mom and passed it on to my daughter.  I wake up, toss and turn in bed for a bit, get up and pee, go back to bed, toss and turn for five minutes or so, and then get up.  In the old days, I'd watch TV.  Now I surf Al Gore's interwebs and update my blog.

I think I'm most creative at this time.  I'm certainly more introspective, and instead of writing about painting a windlass, I think about deeper things, such as death.

Oh, no one likes to talk about it.  It's creepy.  But we all know we're headed in that direction.  As my old buddy Vic said, "No one is getting out alive!".  He said that when he was 30.  Vic died at 40 of lung cancer.

We know it's inevitable, like taxes and campaign promises.  Most people fear death. Usually, it's the young, and that's understandable.  They haven't had a chance to live.  I have.

No, I hope I don't go anytime soon.  I still have so much more living to do,  especially with the light of my life, Pamela, by my side.  But if I was given a sudden, short prognosis that wasn't good, would I be upset?   Sure.  For a few days.  But then I'd think back on my life and reflect on all I've done.

I've lived life on my terms for the past 30 years.  Yes, before that, it was on society's terms.  School, work, marriage, mortgage, etc.  But at age 32, life suddenly crystallized for me.  I realized that I could be in control of my life.  I realized that money was secondary to... well... everything.  And it's when you realize that, and instead of adjusting your working life to pay for your non-working life, you adjust your  non-working life to live within your  means, that you achieve happiness.

I'm not going to go into all the details of my life here.  Sorry.  Suffice to say that, for the past 30 years, I've lived it on my terms.  And for all you current cruisers and liveaboards, I know that I'm preaching to the choir.  You all get it.

My point here is to give all you others some advice.  Live like there's no tomorrow. Live your life so that it is not only fulfilling for you, but for your friends and family.  Live such that, when you die, there won't be a funeral and sadness, but a celebration that you lived at all.

I can honestly say that when my time comes, there will be two tears.  One will be for leaving such a wonderful world, and such wonderful people I've met along the way.  To my daughter, Becky... my ex-wife Jahnn, to whom I owe much... and especially to my wife Pamela, the light of my life, the person who brings joy to all I do.  But there will also be a tear of happiness, for being able to have lived life on my terms, in such a wonderful place.

I could go tomorrow and have few regrets.   I'm thankful that I ran my own business for so many years.  I'm grateful for the many days I've spent on boats.  There is nothing like spending a day boating, free, at least for a short time, from the stress and worry of the world.   My heart is full of love for the people I've met along the way, who have rewarded me with friendship and kindness, and  hopefully I've reciprocated adequately.

Finally, they say that girls marry their fathers, and boys marry their mothers.  No, not literally.  That would be wrong.  My mom was of Polish descent, and always had a cheery disposition and a smile and kind words for those around her.  My mom's yearbook stated, under her senior photo, "a merry heart goes all the day".   That was my mom.  I married my mom when I married Pamela, another of Polish descent.  She has a merry heart, all the day, every day.  It must be in the genes.

Yep.  If I go tomorrow, there will be tears.  But most important will be the tear of joy for the privilege of such a wonderful life.  I love you all.   I love you, especially, Pamela.  Not because I have to.  But because I want to.

The Devil Whispered In My Ear...

Today the devil whispered in my ear "You are not strong enough to survive the storm."

I whispered in the devil's ear "I am the storm. Six feet back, please."

Quarantinin'

Since we've been quarantined, I've been sitting around my small apartment. I point my chair at the window so I can look outside. I take a gander at the news, check out Facebook, maybe work on the book. To break up the monotony, I take out the garbage and check the mail.

Before we were quarantined, I'd been sitting around my small apartment. I pointed my chair at the window so I could look outside. I'd take a gander at the news, check out Facebook, maybe work on the book. To break up the monotony, I'd take out the garbage and check the mail.

I think I have everything under control. I've got this.

Serious for Once

Observatatin' from my senior apartment...

Some of you on my friends list know me well. Some know me not at all. Some I wonder how in the hell you got here since you've probably never read any of my books or followed my blogs.

Well, know this. I am an author. I am known for having an odd outlook on life, and I will joke about anything and everything. When I broke my neck, I was joking about it to hospital staff.

When a doctor was checking me for a concussion, he said "Squeeze my finger." I responded "Oh no, I'm not falling for that one again."

That is who I am and what I do. It explains some of the weird posts you see.. Especially when I try to kickstart my writing so I can get back to my book.

But for once, I want to be serious.

These are trying times for all of us. In my almost seventy years on this planet, I have never seen anything like this. Businesses closed. People laid off. Quarantines. Social distancing.

It is times like this that bring out the worst in people, like the toilet paper hoarders (sorry. that slipped in).

But it also brings out the best in people.

I was in a convenience store the other day. An old friend came in (didn't see me) and went to the TP shelf. It was empty, except for two rolls. He took one. Let that sink in.

I now live in my old hometown. It is a small, tight-knit community. Younger people on our FB page are offering to run errands for us elderly folks. They don't need to do that. They could just hunker down themselves, but they're reaching out to people who might need help. Going out is added risk to them. More exposure to the coronavirus. Yet they offer.

My senior apartment complex has basically shut down. They will not permit visitors. The common area is closed. We seniors are not to get within six feet of any of their employees. We are asked to stay in our apartments. It sounds like house arrest. It is not.

They aren't imposing these rules out of spite or anything, but are doing it for our own protection. If Covid-19 ran through here, a good ten or twenty of us could die. You have to be at least 62 to live here. At close to 70, I'm one of the youngest. Contracting the coronavirus is dangerous to anyone, but especially us.

A crisis like this brings out the worst in some people, but I believe it brings out the best in most people.

And now, time to stop being serious and to get back to being myself.

Grocery Shoppin' Online

I hate to shop. Especially grocery stores, where I don't know what half the food is or does, and the half I do recognize comes in 13 brands, 7 sizes, and 152 flavors not counting diet and gluten free. 

So it was a great relief when I discovered online grocery shopping a while ago. I use instacart. The only downside, for me, is that I don't understand sizes.  On my laptop, the little itty bitty pictures of a box of Cheerios looks the same whether it's the 6 ounce size or the 60 pound size. So I buy the big one.

But now, confronted not only with the coronavirus pandemic but with all future pandemics (and there will be more because Trump is president and nature abhors a vacuum) I can't help but wonder if one day supermarkets will be a relic of the past. They could be easily replaced with convenience stores for snatch and grab items, and online shopping from warehouses for groceries. 

No? Still need to squeeze the Charmin (saying there's any on the shelf)? For proof that this will be the future, I give you Amazon.

Amazon would be putting Walmart out of business, except Walmart sees it coming and sells online now as well. You can buy the latest LED TV with QLED 4K HDR and a bunch of bananas all at the same time, without leaving your recliner.

Anyone need any Cheerios? I can share.