Tariff Taxes

"The Trump administration announced overnight that it is imposing tariffs on 59 countries and the European Union. The new tariffs have two tiers — 10% and 12.5% — and went into effect at midnight, at the same time as when a 10% global tariff struck down by the Supreme Court earlier this year expired.

"The tariffs cover more than 99% of imports to the United States.

"Earlier this week, President Trump also signed proclamations to impose 50% tariffs on a selection of Canadian goods."

-NPR

Now, I will rewrite the story as I see it.

"The Trump administration announced overnight that it is imposing federal sales taxes on top of local sales taxes. The new federal taxes have two tiers — 10% and 12.5% — and went into effect at midnight, at the same time as when a federal 10% sales tax struck down by the Supreme Court earlier this year expired.

"The new federal taxes cover more than 99% of goods, everything from clothes and small appliances to goods needed to manufacture products here in the United States.

"Earlier this week, President Trump also signed proclamations to impose 50% federal sales taxes on a selection of Canadian goods.

"It's immensely satisfying and great fun," said Trump. "I just tell people that they're taxes on other people and not them and the dumbasses believe it. No one has ever seen anything like it. I love stupid people, or as I call my followers in my speeches, I love the uneducated. Seeing as how they gobble up my bullshit so easily, I thought I'd try something even funnier. I call Democrats "Dumocrats" and even "communists" and my people applaud. It's sooo easy."

"Mr. President, what if we reporters tell them the truth?" asked Mary Blake from CNN.

"I'll just ask where you got your information," said Trump, "and say that you're fake news, and then call you "Miss Piggy". They love it when I make fun of people. Works every time."